I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
my liver is dry heaving
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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