Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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