I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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