Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
