So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
