Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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