We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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