1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize