why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dicks are not precious.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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