I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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