WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
