just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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