Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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