At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i have two assholes
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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