so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she peed on how many people?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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