I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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