i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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