I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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