insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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