Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
