she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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