this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
