Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
