Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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