All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
