hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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