Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
