Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want nice things and good sex
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
