Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
