I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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