I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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