I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
