i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
