If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
