He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
