Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
