I intend to get homeless drunk
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
