she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Randomize
