Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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