Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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