This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
