her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
