Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
