If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
