I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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