so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Houston, we have a squirter
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
