Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
