i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
