I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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