goodnight i made you a song goodbye
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
