Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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