Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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