in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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