I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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