I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize