An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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