i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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