??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pooping to opera.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
