I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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