I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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