omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
