Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
