During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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