I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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