If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
