I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
