I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
