Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
