So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
