if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
