Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
